"it looks like it is going to rain" then why is the sun out?

so i was invited to go to the beach today but i didn't go. why not? maybe because i feared that it would be completely awkward because out of everyone that was going i am only friends with two of them. plus my aunt would have to drive me and i wouldn't feel comfortable calling her up to come get me before my mom got home. plus i'm a whimp and can't handle being in situations like that. should i have gone? yes i should have. did i go? no. why again? because i am a whimp and i was nervous and i'm an idiot.

oh right. nice going molly.

*) right now i should be doing chinese for ten minutes but i'm exhausted and i'm not

*) my dad and mother are stressed out because none of the leads that were suppose to be confirmed for tomorrow aren't because the person who was suppose to confirm them didn't know she could just look at them on the calender

*) my dad was saying "i just can't win" and "i give up"

*) my mother has it under control, i think, even though this isn't the ideal situation

*) in the book i was reading the narrator referred to "beautiful boys" so i was trying to create one on the sidewalk while the car was stopped and the car started moving so i imaged my "beautiful boy" running along side the car but then my "beautiful boy" turned into my beautiful horse.

"i saw you the other day"

i have come up with the most brilliant response to when someone says "i saw you ___". you say "how did i look?" i mean it makes sense. someone tell you that they saw you so you should ask how you looked.

this was inspired by the creeper himself, matt cabral, who saw me yesterday in downtown easthampton and felt the need to tell me on facebook. of course i didn't think of that when he told me. creeper...

yay! i'm not pregnant!

that title could be falsely leading you to think something that is not true. all it means is i am having my stupid period and i hate it. the only think that i can do is ride as long as i'm not walking. walking = back hurts. doing anything = back and ovaries hurt. gah. it makes me feel awful and then my mother was asking me what were my plans for later today and i said go home cause i don't feel like doing anything. i feel awful.

i know there is more i want to talk about but i just feel so bad it is controlling everything. no it's not controlling, it's taking over! ahhh! but at least i know i didn't get pregnant from some way that no one knows of yet and when i start puking all over in the mornings and tell them i haven't had sex they will think i'm in denial when really i'm telling the truth. that would be a mess. good think i have my period!

only child for the weekend & horse owner for...my life?

two big things happened today and i'm not sure which one to talk about first. it would make sense to talk about them in order of how they happened. and one would make more sense if i talked about it first but i'm not. i'll do it the hard way and end up explaining myself more than i have to.

today my sisters went with my aunt to boston to sleep over for the weekend. my step second cousins, James, Andrew, and Emma, are going to sleep over there too on friday and saturday night. i'm not going cause i own a horse which will be explained later.

so what should i be feeling now looking around the house and there only being my parents? no sisters doing something else? not having to worry about if we are waking my the sleeping children upstairs? anything you think i should be feeling. excitement? sadness? fear?

well i'm sad. when i was getting into my car and my sisters were going with my aunt i kind of felt like crying. i hugged everyone and i felt like crying. and then i was thinking what if something happened to them? what if they died?

is that strange or weird to think about death? cause i sometimes do. maybe it is natural but i do you ever think that while you are thinking about those "what if" that they will never come true because you thought of them. what sometime like a "what if" happens it is always a surprise. does that even make sense?

i don't know. but i was sad. and it seems weird tonight. different.

moving on.

i am a horse owner once again. after my mother giving me "are you sure" talk this morning i went through with it. i emptied my bank account which had about 6,000 dollars in it and my mother paid the rest. and i now own a horse.

i so wish that it was the right decision and everything will work out.

the girl who use to own him came to the barn today to give us some stuff and receive her money. she is a student in college at umass and didn't have enough time for him anymore. she thinks we are a great family for him. she wants to stay in touch. of course. he was her baby for three years and still is. she doesn't have a horse anymore. she wants to see me show which is fine but something that just jumped in my mind. hopefully she doesn't try to take over if she comes but thinking about that i don't think she would and if he was misbehaving she would only be a help. yeah bad thought.

ahahahahhhh. i'm a bit nervous all together. 

i'm a wuss.

i'm extremely frustrated at myself because i did it again. i proved to everyone that i am a little wuss and don't even deserve to have my own horse. i am suppose to work with my horse instead of cry and leave him wondering what to do. stupid. idiot.

so today is rainy. it has been raining all day. my mom has been at the office all day because my dad fired the girl in the office so my mom is doing it. carolyn, my riding instructor picked Maeve and me up to so i could have a lesson and we could do the stalls and such.

i got pride from outside and he was very wet so i started getting him ready and he was moving around more today than he has before. so he already sort of got me nervous before we were even in the ring.

imagine my ring for a second. if you are standing in the driveway facing the barn the indoor ring is to the left and the barn to the right and they are connected. it is really loud in the ring when it is raining because all the rain bangs on the roof and the walls.

i came into the ring and was just walking Pride around to get him use to the noise and he sort of walked really fast near the corner that was the noisy and once he started to trot and he wasn't listening to me. so i was nervous. then carolyn came in and she was saying that he would be better when i got on because i would be able to keep him on the aides more. i was nervous i was already starting to cry.

it was a rainy miserable day like this when A.J. first spooked. that was all i was thinking about when i got on pride. no i am not able to block out certain thoughts i don't want to hear.

i walked him around one end of the ring away from the noisiest corner and Carolyn was teaching me and i was nervous. i was riding properly and i knew it but there was nothing i could do about it. well there was but i didn't do it. and then he did a little spook by cantering away from the wall. he didn't buck but flash backs to A.J. bucking and bolting. i was crying now. so Carolyn had me lunge him.

this was the only the second time i had lunged him. i managed okay. he was nervous and insecure. i don't blame him. it is noisy in there and he was the only horse there. he was whinnying to the horses in the barn. he cantered sometimes when i didn't want him to and wouldn't go far over to the noisy side but we did it.

then Carolyn had Sam get on him which sort of made me mad. it was probably good that she did but it made me mad at myself. this was the second time that sam had rode him because i was too afraid to. it shouldn't work like that. i should be able to work with my horse instead of handing him off to someone else to ride. he was fine for her and she made him do what he was suppose to and was able to tell him what to do which i couldn't do.

then i got back on and i really started to cry. i didn't want to. i was embarrassed for myself that was crying again. i have cried too much at that barn. then Carolyn told me i needed to toughen up but the more she talked the harder it was for me to stop. i just needed to start riding. she said that if i wasn't comfortable i didn't have to but that was the last thing i wanted to do. she told me to say i can do this. i knew i could do it and i would have said it but i didn't trust my voice. finally she let me just walk around the ring. i knew once i started riding and walking that i would stop crying and get control of myself. which was exactly what happened. i was still nervous but i managed to do it.

then Maeve came in the ring with Herbie so now Pride had someone in the ring with him. and he was fine. i just rode him. walked, trotted, and cantered. i knew that i could do it but my tears betrayed me and made it seem like i didn't think i could.

it never crossed my mind that we shouldn't get him because of that. it wasn't Pride's fault at all. it was mine. if anything Pride doesn't deserve me after my behavior today. Carolyn talked to me after the lesson was over and that made me want to cry again. talking makes me want to cry. i would rather leave it unsaid.

so i started to walk him around to cool him off when Carolyn left and he started to walk fast near the noisiest part so i just got off and hand walked him and he was fine.

everything else went normally. but every time i went past sam i hoped she wouldn't say anything. and then emily, carolyn's daughter asked me how the lesson went and i managed to tell her the basics without crying.

then my mom came and on the way home in the car no one said anything. i was waiting for her to ask me how it was so i could tell her. then when we got home she said "i talked to carolyn. what do you think?" and i started to cry again. and i'm not sure exactly what i said, something about it being because i was nervous about the A.J. think.

morale of the story: i am a big wuss and i need to toughen up. and if that hadn't happened with a.j. then this wouldn't have been such a big deal. i'm just gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. a horse back rider isn't suppose to cry when she has a challenge like me. then what am i? a wannabe? most likely. gkdsjgalkdjfakldsfjkladsjf.

HAHAHA. time to laugh in my face.

so i ended up going in my riding pants and neon socks. not that i cared. and after waiting around for an extra hour they showed up, nah they weren't running late or anything. but it was a waste of my time. maeve and i just stayed away then i pretty much got yelled at for chasing a dog. and it was stupid. but that was call expected i guess. the two kids where there, nothing special, they looked a lot older than me but then again i look young for my age according to people who don't know how old i am. but whatever. so there goes that idea. -shrug-

and i'm tired. it's 6:49.