i just watched the documentary Mortifed Nation, it's about this type of show where people read diary or journal entries from when they were young. it made me laugh and cry and i really liked it. especially because here i am writing in my diary...well blog because i'm cool and all grown up here in the 2010s. no old fashioned journals. but the fact that i have stuff from January 2009 until now. i was 14 then and now i'm 19, almost 20. i'm almost done with my teenager years! i have almost my entire teenage existence in blog form. so in theory i could do that Morified thing and be a reader and could be reading this out loud to an audience right now...i mean like in years from now. but if i am. i want to say hi, this is 19 year old Molly writing from Nashville. today she did absolutely nothing. she was going to go to the beach with her roommate, but then she never came back after church and then the other roommate mentioned it but she was PMSing and needed a lazy day. and i didn't want to drive to the beach by myself because i didn't know the people we were meeting there well enough. so i literally have not left this house all day and have spent the majority of it on my bed. wow. you are really living life Molly.

okay seriously though. sorry if i am reading this out loud, i can't address you now, i realized i have bigger more important things to talk about right now. i can just imagine you guys reading this out loud and laughing but you don't know what tone of voice i'm writing this in...that sounds stupid too. i'm realizing how everything i'm writing right now will be twisted and will be hilarious in 10 years from now. but it's not funny right now. this is my life. okay let me just write and get everything off my chest.

okay so life in Nashville isn't all that great right now. i love the city itself because it isn't all city and it's hard to explain. but i love the city. but my internship is kind of boring and i'm afraid that i'm not learning all that i need to. but at least i feel like i am learning something...maybe. and i have nothing better to do than to be there so that makes the tedious tasks seem a bit better at least. but when i am not at the internship i have nothing to do unless one of my roommates invites me to do something. so on the days when they don't invite me to something i usually try to go and do something myself. i've been really good at that. i have went to a park and read and then walked around the town one day, another i went to a farmer's market, another i went to centennial park for musicians corner, yesterday i went to another park and had a picnic and hiked. but yesterday. i felt so alone. it was a really cool park, tons of trails and it was huge. i walked off the path and found a field and tucked myself in a corner so no one could see me unless they walked the way i did, which no one would do since they all stick to the paths. so i stayed there for hours eating and reading my book. i made a bad attempt at connecting to Zach since i was wearing his shirt. i snapped him and in my head i was hoping for him to be like "where are you?! let's go do something!" or "when can we hang out?!" but he just did a generic snap back like "my girl!" and when i responded with "hope you're feeling better!" i got no response. i guess i expected for him to contact me and want to hang out. i mean he was in chicago and then home and then sick. so maybe he is still sick or i haven't given him enough time and he is going to. but it's already June, May is gone. but he is flying home with me in less than two weeks. so either he will step up before then or that's when i'll get to hang out with him when i'm on a plane on my way home where i have people to hang out and who know me and i don't really need him. whereas here in Nashville, i need him. actually i don't, i am doing fine on my own. oh okay but after i sat there forever i started to hike back to my car and i was just feeling so alone. and then i got to the road and i paused for a second because i wasn't sure way to turn and a man and his dog ran passed me and he got a little ways away and he stopped and turned around and asked me if i was good. and i quickly said yeah i was fine and he kept going. but then i started to cry. this man cared enough to stop and ask if i was okay when no one else really did or cared. no one knew where i was. i realized that if anything happened to me...no one would really know. my roommates might wonder where i was but i don't know if they would do anything. and if i had died over where i was reading earlier no one would find me for a long time because no one would have walked over there (maybe a bad decision on my part). but i really was just in a bad place as i was walking back to my car (i took the wrong path earlier so it was a bit of a hike to get back...actually a hike up a huge hill). i was feeling really alone. but then i saw a deer and it was a magically moment as i was able to walk pretty close and she was just staring at me. anyways not the greatest day in the park. but afterwards when i was home, Erin invited me to go to a bbq which ended up to be pretty fun and okay. and then i was supposed to go to the lake and hang out with the same people today but Erin sort of bailed on me...no hard feelings there really because we never actually said it definite but i was under the impression that is what we were going to do. but whatever. maybe for some reason i wasn't supposed to be at the lake and it was better that way. i have realized though that the way i seem to make friends is by just having multiple interactions with them at different times and talking to them more and more until i feel comfortable around them. it just takes a long time. so i'm pretty lonely. oh and also the not going to the lake thing is kind of annoying because there was a church get together that i was thinking about going to myself but didn't end up doing because i forgot about it because i thought i was going to the lake. but honestly i was looking for a reason why i couldn't go. and also, Megan and Liz are having an EP release party on Tuesday night that i want to go to. because i have seen them live before and i really like them and i never get to go to things like this when i'm home. and i'm here and can go see them! and it's at a venue that i went to last week so i am familiar with it! the problem is that i have no friends to go with. Kristian is away for the week, i mentioned it to Summer but i am not sure how she is feeling about it. so my plan is to ask Esther and Maghan and if they are interested. most likely not but if they are then cool. and then i'll mention it to Zach, and i'm assuming he will say no but then i will ask about his CMA weekend plans and see if i maybe can hang out with him for some of that. and i most likely will end up going to the EP release party by myself but that's cool too. i will miss church for it but i was going to have to go to church by myself since Kristian isn't here this week. and then also even if Zach doesn't want to hang out with me for CMA fest I am planning on just going myself everyday next weekend because i need to do stuff. that is unless i have job working at Nashville Shores, which i still haven't heard back from. i would love to just know yes or no so i can start planning accordingly.

but honestly if i am paying $700 a month to just stay in my bedroom all day, i could have done that at home for free. so i need to get my butt in gear and start meeting people and making friends. easier said than done. i don't even know what i am going to do tomorrow. i need to do something.

but i am learning how to cook stuff and i am doing pretty well for myself. i cook basically everyday. oh i do need to go grocery shopping tomorrow so i'll do that. exciting stuff. i hope that i am learning something and gaining something. at my internship the other day one of the guys asked me what i had learned and i honestly didn't have a good answer. and also what was the most fun part. and i also didn't have a good answer. but then i listened in on the marketing meeting and decided that was my favorite part. but also made me realize that the record labels need to change what they are doing or they are going to die. they are still just making and selling records and they make their money from people buying albums. but no one is buying albums anymore. so they will go out of business unless they do something different. and i'm hoping i'll be that something different one day and will lead the way of the music business. that's my dream.

also just to rub it into my face that i'm alone, Summer has her boyfriend Ben over so i get to hear them laughing and giggling and it just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. oh wait it doesn't. it makes me want to hide in my room and not talk to anyone. great job at being a loner, Molly. really glad you decided to come to Nashville so you can hide in your room. wow. i just realized i really wasted today. today was the first day that i wasted completely. i don't have a ton of time here and now that's one day completely gone. i won't let that happen again. i'll figure out something to do tomorrow. even though it makes me so uncomfortable to go out and do things by myself. but by the end of this trip i'll be an old pro at it. forever alone in Nashville.

you want to know something funny? i was looking through old blog posts and in May of 2010 i was talking about some senior at HRHS and i don't remember him at all.

and omg i was just scrolling through that post and i included lyrics from a song Michael Castro sang and guess who i saw at church?! yes! Michael Castro! no, i didn't say anything to him. that would have been awkward. maybe if i go to church and see him again i will. but wow, i didn't realize i was listening to his songs and knew him for that long.

i just tried to find this "Daniel McCarthy" or whoever on FB and i couldn't sooo i will never remember who he is...i mean it is vaguely familiar but that is only because i read some of the blog posts about him.

yuck in may 2011 i was with josh. but it was also when i first got dolly so that was a plus because she is still in my life. someone is leasing her now though which is good so she will have someone to ride her!

may 2012 i am saying how perfect josh is and i was gearing up for graduation. as much as i am kind of bitter and not really upset but just sort of ehhehh about the whole josh thing. i really did like him and i do miss him. it was his birthday the other day and i didn't wish him happy birthday. i don't know we just have separate lives now. i wonder if he is still the same josh though. i haven't seen him for over a year. i really think i need a new love interest in my life. i got nothing. come on nashville, what are you doing?! bring me the cute, nice boys.

awkward i just read may 2013 and i talked about josh's birthday. well here's two years in a row. and wow just reading this stuff about my life. it is amazing how things have changed and panned out. and the fact in a year i'll be looking back on this and i will have different thoughts on it and i will know how everything worked out.

now i should really sleep. but here is today's quote of the day:

You see, but you do not observe. –Arthur Conan Doyle (1859-1930)

a lot has been happening but at the same time not that much.

i went to church. but it was different then the traditional church that i went to. this had a big rock band and everyone was singing along and putting their hands and arms up to the sky. and then it was just one person talking and sort of telling a story. and then the band came back for the end. they wanted everyone to stand up and to raise their arms and it was interesting. they still collected money like a church. but the way they talked about everything was the same sort of understanding i came to have. wait let me back up. okay i was forced to go to church and CCD while i was young until my mom didn't make me go anymore because i hated it. but i come to my own sort of relationship and understanding with God and my own beliefs. it was still weird to be in church and i felt kind of out of place because i wasn't as "into it" as everyone else was. i honestly hadn't thought about God for a while. but i enjoyed it and i want to go back. it made me start thinking.

but then girl's night...last week it was game night, this night it was talking about demons and angels and signs and miracles and such. and it was amazing what they said. i believe those girls because there is no way they would lie about that stuff. it was so amazing and you can see why they believe so wholeheartedly. but i guess it is harder for me to have as much trust and faith. but when we were praying they said such amazing things about me and they are really good people. Maghan asked for my number and then today just randomly texted me asking how my day was going. like that is how nice. but it was a good place for me to be in, surrounded by those good vibes and thought provoking. that's what this trip is for, for me to think and learn more about myself. and my faith is part of that. i was going to go to church again next tuesday but now megan and liz are performing at belcourt taps and i really want to go because i have been there before and i really liked it. and megan and liz are awesome. i just have to find someone to go with me. i think i will ask Maghan first and then if she can't then i'll ask Zach. and if he can't go, then i'm not sure who i will go with. maybe Summer, i mentioned it to her but she was thinking about trying out that church and i think she will be with her boyfriend. well i'll figure it out anyways.

what else. oh i had a job interview at Nashville Shores today which is a waterpark. i would be in retail selling food. which is kind of a really sucky job, but i would be making money and i would be doing something and i would meeting people. which i need to do. like tomorrow i have no idea what i'm doing. i have to find some place to go or something to do. but i am not sure exactly how the interview went because it was a group interview and kind of awkward. i mean i did fine, but i'm not sure if i stood out enough to get the job. and what kind of person would i be if i can't even get a job at a waterpark. actually i would be fine, i probably will hate it anyways, or not. it would be nice to get it but if i don't that will be okay, hopefully i'll find something better. i just hope they tell me soon so i know if i should keep looking for something else or not.

umm today i went to dinner with a bunch of people and then to a movie with Summer. i'm starting to loosen up around Summer and Kristian which is good. because once i feel comfortable with a few people, i'm pretty much comfortable all around and i'm just myself.

oh but i finally met the fourth roommate, or i guess third, Erin. she seems kind of negative and Summer and Kristian don't always like talking to her and seem to try to avoid her almost because they are afraid of her. but it's funny because all of them are talking about how this place doesn't seem like a home and how they never want to come back because there is bad energy and everyone just goes to their room and shuts the door and there is stuff from the landlady everywhere and how they don't communicate - but to me this already feels like a home. i settled in pretty well. i like being here. i don't mind being alone. i actually like that better sometimes. i get along when Summer and Kristian are home now. i haven't had a chance to figure out Erin yet so i am just sort of avoiding her, which is okay. we will see how that works. but all of them are moving out at the end of their lease. actually Kristian is moving out sooner because she doesn't have the money and the whole not feeling like a home thing and how she doesn't want to just come home and go to her room, she wants it to feel like a home and to talk to her roommates and all. i guess i'm used to dorm life where your bedroom is your home so i like it. but i will miss her a lot and i'm sad she is leaving soon. she is so amazing. she might be getting married soon too. i don't want to go into everything about her life now. i just hope she does what is best for her. she is so amazing and i am so lucky i was able to meet her and get to know her. she apologized and they all felt bad for me coming into this mess - but i am honestly so lucky and thankful and grateful and appreciative that i am here. i wouldn't really want to be anywhere else. Summer and Kristian are amazing and maybe Erin is too, i just haven't gotten to know her yet. but i am very thankful for them. and i really like this house, i mean they have been here for around 3 years so maybe after that amount of time, i wouldn't like it either and would be ready for a change. but i just hope and wish the best for them because they are awesome women.

okay i think that is all i'm going to talk about today. i can talk about internship stuff later and all. thanks.

i was just writing about how i have no friends and i'm okay with being alone and how i've been thinking about friends lately and look at this quote of the day. and there is a candle in my bathroom about friendship too. okay, i get the point. i guess i do need friends and can't stay holed up in this house all day with just one outing, like taking a dog for a walk once a day. well then at least the dog is with someone. but anyways, fine, i'll try to make friends.

A friend is a second self. – Aristotle(384 BC-322 BC)

okay so update. i'm pretty lonely. i've been making myself go out and do things myself but it's a lonely life. i realized i have never really been alone. when i'm home, i'm always with my sisters and mom. when i'm at school i'm always with my friends and all the WGB girls. i never do anything by myself. so it's a learning experience figuring out how to be on my own. how to go and do things myself. i read a lot. i go to parks. let's see. friday i went to the park and read a lot. and then Summer invited me to Belcourt Taps and i went there and it wasn't bad, again i'm just awkward. but apparently it was awkward for Summer and Esther who I went with because they hadn't seen those friends in a while and sort of lose touch so that make it awkward. but then saturday i almost didn't go anywhere but then i decided to go to centennial park and check out the food truck festival and music. sitting there by myself listening to music was nice but also lonely. so was eating my food on the bench, reading by myself. and then today i went to a farmer's market and walked around bicentennial park and it was really nice. i mean as much as i would like to have friends and be doing stuff with them, it is kind of nice to go walk around and discover nashville by myself. not sure where i'm going to go tomorrow, it's memorial day so i'm afraid a lot of things will be closed. but i need to get more books. i finished two pretty lengthly books and i need new ones. i forgot how much i like reading. so maybe that is what this summer will be, molly being alone and reading. not a bad thing, time to get away and just think about life and get in touch with myself. it's making me think about my life after babson. i'm going to be living in a house or apartment just like this one. and i'm excited because i can have my own house and fill it with all my things and operate the house the way i want. like i mean when i do dishes and how clean i keep the house. like now even though it is my home, i still feel a bit like a guest since i'm only here for three months and these girls were here before me. but these days now are really helping me and setting me up for being successful when i am living on my own. i basically have this whole house to myself. i saw Kristian this morning and she came back at one point to get changed but i have been alone for the rest of the day. good thing i'm not scared of being in this house by myself though this mystery book i just finished could have freaked me out. but no i'm okay being here by myself. okay, i say that but last night i cried because i was lonely and because i wanted to be a better person. but it really is alright. i'm learning a lot about myself and just living life. even if these are a lonely three months i just hope i'm a better person because of it. that's all. and that i learned something. then it would be worth it.

hi, sorry i have been neglecting you. guess where i am? yep, i'm officially in nashville. i've been here since friday and i already had my first day of my internship today.

i'm not really sure how i feel about everything. i really like it here, Nashville in general, and the house. Nashville isn't like NYC or like buildings and city everywhere. technically i'm in Nashville right now but it seems like the suburbs. but then i just take two turns and drive down the street for 15 minutes and i'm at work. and then yesterday we drove for about 25 minutes and we were at the lake.

but let's back up first. okay. my mom and i left on wednesday. drove down to maryland to see Taylor and Zach at their house show in Maryland. Taylor was basically a jerk and barely talked to us and seemed like he didn't even care that we were there. Zach was a sweetheart and is awesome and made me happy that he is going to be here all summer so hopefully i'll see him a bit. or a lot. my mom was like "i think you and Zach are going to become really good friends...or more than friends" and i was like umm no please don't say that. really i'll be lucky is Zach hangs out with me and stuff. friends would be more than enough.

that's the thing, i don't want people to go out of their way for me. and when i say people, i really mean Zach and my roommates. like i really appreciate it when they do include me in stuff, but i don't want them to feel like they have to. i will be okay. i think. i'm not sure how i am going to make friends. i am not very good with that. i was hoping Rounder would have other interns, but i'm their only one. at least i think so. maybe there will be another one but i would guess not.

okay getting ahead of myself again. so we saw Zach and Taylor. made us appreciate Zach more. then we drove 11 hours in one day and got lucky that there was a sketchy motel because there was nothing around. if there wasn't one there we would of had to keep driving. but then the next day we went to visit mommy's friend Tonya in Kentucky, and i'm glad she was able to see her to make this trip worthwhile for her too. and then after that it was off to Nashville.

so the house is really cute, it's all on one floor. there is a front long room full of stuff that we don't use and we don't use the front door. so when you come in the back door, you come into the living room area, then kitchen with a kitchen table, and then a really long hallway with four bedrooms and a bathroom. my bedroom is the last one of the right and i have my own bathroom since it's the master bedroom. which is maybe the best thing about the whole house.

my roommates are Erin, Kristan, and Summer. Erin is on tour and then went to Ireland so I haven't met her yet. Kristan is so little and cute and adorable and she invited us to the park on Saturday to see some free live music so my mom and I went to that. I haven't talked to her much other than that. yesterday though, Summer invited me to breakfast with her and her boyfriend, Ben, and then they brought me to the lake. i felt so awkward the whole thing but i am glad i went. i will slowly open up and warm up to everyone. hopefully sooner rather than later.

i am just so horrible at making friends. i am just so awkward and don't know how to talk to people and just open up when i first meet them. when i am in my comfort zone surrounded my friends and one new person enters, i am fine. but when i am the odd one out, i can't do it. the only person i know here is Zach, and he is gone all this weekend and i don't want to bother him so i don't even know how much i'll see him. and honestly, i barely even know him. I've seen him all of two times. I am not even completely comfortable around him yet. so basically there is no one here that i feel completely comfortable with. so i have no friends. which sucks. and i don't know how to make any. there was the mixer thing i saw online for young music entrepreneurial professional stuff, but i don't have the confidence to just show up to that on my own. who knows, i'll look up where it is tonight but i doubt i'll go tomorrow. i can't even find the motivation to go to target. i'm so tired all the time. i am probably going to crash as soon as my clothes are out of the dryer - which was a process to figure out how to get it to start by the way.

oh but then the internship went well. Matt is my supervisor and he is super laid back and chill. so i like him. and the office is so cool and i really like it. and someone has their dog there so he just makes the office happier. but i spent the day writing address labels and rolling up posters and packaging them to send to promoters. overall i'm going to be in charge of tour stuff. i have to send up an updated tour schedule every week and keep on top of sending posters to venues and promoters and keep the tour binder organized. my email is literally tours@rounder. but i really like it so far. it's a long day but i'm doing stuff i like doing even if it is tedious and seems like it is just rolling posters...i know i am helping somehow and i really like being in the music industry. i really hope i learn a lot. i also wish that there was another intern or two so i had someone my age i could be friends with. all of my roommates are older than me. everyone in the office is older than me. Zach is older than me. and it's no problem except for the fact that they are all over 21 so they all go out drinking and i'm under 21 so i can't even get into the places that they go. like i can't even get into the bar even if i didn't want to drink. it's just really annoying. and even though my birthday is this summer i'm only turning 20...20 has never seemed so young. i know that i am still young. but it's weird because sometimes i'll feel old again, like omg i'm already 20 i'm growing up so fast. then i'll be like no, i'm so young and i still have so much to learn. i know that. i just hope i'll grow up some this summer and learn a lot.

i feel old wanting to fall asleep at 9:30...

i have two friends who are going through emotional hard times today. Amelie is here just freaking out and breaking down because of her life and boys and shit like that. and then Ellie just went home this morning but she is dealing with family shit and she has been crying all night and texting me. and I just want to make everything better and I don't know what to say and I feel like i'm not helping. I listen and I try to say that I think will help but I don't even know. I feel like I could do more but I am just not the right person and I don't know what to say and i'm not a super warm and comforting person. but I do listen and I am here for them. and i'll always be here. and on top of those two, Bea texted me saying she was depressed and I just couldn't respond and deal with her today because I needed to focus on Amelie and Ellie. like I can't even worry about my life. I just want to make sure they are okay.

I could just writing about my life now and how I am giving up on Hanson and how my family is still a shit show and how it hasn't even set in that i'm going to be in Nashville in basically two weeks. wait two weeks. holy wow. what. and the china. and how im barely going to see any of my friends and I don't know what I am going to do without them. and how I am going to survive in Nashville on my own and in china. and I need to stop down before I freak out.

okay deep breath. tomorrow is going to be a better day for everyone. the game plan is to go to my meeting at 10. then go to trim with Amelie. and then decide if I want to go into work or not. if not then I am going to start going through my clothes. and then I am going to have to figure out dinner because Amelie is going to a BRIC dinner thing and then when she gets back i'll spend the night with her and we will make sure we have fun. and i'll make sure Ellie is doing okay at home. and i'll have to text Bea and apologize for not texting her yesterday. and then another day will be done. then after tomorrow i'm going to have to buckle down and start studying.

time is keep on passing no matter what. so we will get there no matter what happens.