I have not posted in months. wow.

so i'm still in Ireland.

James said he loves me the other day. I was upset because I feel like I'm just wasting my life and I'm not doing anything meaningful at my job and I don't know if I should go home or stay here. and if I took this job for the summer yeah yeah. but basically it turned into James saying that we would stay together if I left for the summer, I said I thought we would never talk again like it would be over, and he said that I'm his best friend and he loves me. so I said I love him too.

Literally playing that moment over in my head and hearing him say "I love you" has been what has gotten me through this week. neither of us has said it since, I think we have to get used to it, but we have been extra lovely dovey and all. so that happened Saturday. then Sunday we literally stayed in bed all day cuddling or sleeping or talking. I only got out of bed to use the bathroom or put a show on.

but he said that it would be hard if I left for the summer as long as I came back and it wasn't for too long it would be okay. and that if I waited three years for him to finish school he would move to the US with me.

this is all majorly different from what I was thinking where we stood - but I guess we also had that conversation back when I thought I was only staying for the summer so being together 3 months versus the 9 we are at now. so it makes me excited and it gives me comfort but it is another kind of nervous. like should I really stay with him that long? we will stay together that long? if I leave will it work out? he's the first man I've had sex with. I dated Josh years ago so this is my first serious relationship for a while. what if i'm having all these doubts because he isn't the one and it's not going to work out. I don't know, I can't think like that. all I know is right now I love him and want to spend time with him and we will see where it goes.

I had an interview today for a summer position at Boston Symphony Orchestra and I don't know how it went. I can never tell. but I wasn't supposed to go over James's but then he was saying he wanted me to so then I was going to so I started getting ready after the interview but then he said let's leave it for tonight because he was going to go to sleep now. and now I've just been bummed out. and none of the other interesting jobs here in Dublin got back to me. and now i'm just tired.

and I haven't told you anything about helping James through his anxiety and depression. he is on medication now after I rode the bus with him to his 2 appointments. and then today he went to his counsellor appointment on his own. and he quit coca cola. and I am really proud of him.

and I did a writing class yesterday which was good and I should do some writing for that now but I don't feel like it but at least I am writing in this. so I guess I am doing some kind of writing.

I haven't even told you about when I was home for 2 weeks and was in a weird funk moping around.

I don't know what I am doing. I don't like my job, but I love James, and I don't really have any other friends, I have my cousins aunt and uncle here who I usually see every other week. I have a tiny room but rent is cheap, I am saving money. Like it isn't bad but I just want more really. I think that's why I can't just settle and be content. but slowly but surely i'm trying to find a new job. we will see what happens with James. I miss my family but I also don't know how to talk or be around them either. and I don't know what I am doing with my life.

I need to stop moping and appreciate what I have.

I am grateful for this house and cheap rent.
I am grateful I am making a living for myself.
I am grateful I am independent.
I am grateful I can move to a new country and live here.
I am grateful I have people who love and care about me.
I am grateful I am healthy.
I'm grateful.

okay now I think it's time to shower and go to sleep. nice and early, in bed by 9pm please.