so a lot has happened. I bought birth control, I haven't started it yet, I need to wait for my period to start.

I almost, started to have sex with James last night? like his tip was in and he had a condom on but then it started to hurt and I freaked out. but there was blood so that was fun.

oh I also talked to my mom about going on birth control and she said to make sure I use condoms too.

and James did tell me straight that if wouldn't see other people romantically while he was seeing me romantically - and that he wouldn't want to. he has been very clear how much he likes me and yeah.

I trust him a lot. I slept over his house last night. and next time I'm over there I will be having sex with him. So exciting stuff.

And I'm so tired but that is the update I got for you. Okay goodnight.

Oh I also realized my dad forgot my birthday, I had talked to him the day before my birthday and he didn't say anything and I didn't say anything. and then he was going to call today - because he was driving, but my wifi wasn't working. but I didn't hear anything from him day of, so cool.

so last night I stayed up until 5am talking to James. it was later before I fell asleep. there was already light coming through the window.

I don't know how we started talking about it. but I was asking him a bunch of questions and then I said something stupid and felt horrible. and then it turned into talking about us. and he just has a different understanding and viewpoint of relationship. like he is committed to our friendship and this is everything (except sex) that we have, but it isn't exclusive. like he can do whatever he wants with his body. but I still trust him. like I know it sounds like a way to just sleep around with whoever he wants but it kind of makes sense. he says I kept fixating too much on the other people when that is not what it is about. he didn't want to spell it out for me so I could figure it out. and often he said that he shouldn't have to say this. basically there is him and then there is me, we are our own separate people but we have a good time together, the best of times. and we still have our own separate lives. by saying we're "exclusive" is just saying something to ease insecurities, but not actually doing anything. he can do whatever he wants, he doesn't have to be accountable to me. we aren't dependent on each other. but we can still build this friendship.

and he said how he has never tried to distance himself from me. and I thought these jokes were a way to keeping a distance, but he said no they were just jokes. and he said how hard he works to try to get me to laugh. and he said how smart I am, because I can keep up with him and call him out.

and I made the mistake last night of asking roxy for help with what to say and that made it worse because Roxy is very much in one set mindset and I don't think she would have gotten it quickly enough to help me. so I sent a few bad messages based on Roxy's advice.

but I think I am going to give this a go because what he says makes sense. all about being independent and your own person, this is what I say when I am talking about relationships. but why not go all in for the summer. fully knowing that this will be over in august. but you still have those memories and we helped shape the other person into who they are and will become.

and I am seriously considering sex with him. it seems like one of the safest ways to do it for the first time. with someone who trusts and respects me and it is what it is. I know where we stand and I know it is only going to be for these three months and I am okay with that. as hard as that conversation was, it was necessary and I feel better about everything.

it is different than what I am used to and grown up thinking. but honestly by being in a relationship and being exclusive are just words. I would rather just build up a friendship and I decide what I want to do with my body and with who. and if this all blows up in my face, then okay, but i'm going to try and see what happens.

i'm finding and building my own person now and I think I need to take ownership of that. I need to step away from asking my friends everything and be confident in myself and what I do.

and I think I am going to have to write Ellie a letter. because running away and ignoring it isn't the most adult thing to do.

anyways I came to Ireland to think I was going to intern, I quit that, and now I got myself tangled into this mess with James. it isn't actually a mess. I am grateful and i'm glad. he pushes me to think different and to think about myself.


ughh it still kind of gets me. thinking that he could do the same thing with other girls. but he says it is not about that, I am just stuck on that. okay maybe I just got it. it's like me saying "you are not allowed to see other girls" but who I am to say what he is and is not allowed to do? he chooses what is best for him. I just focus on my friendship/relationship with him and I make choices for myself.

if he was having sex with other women, then that is probably a symptom of something else is wrong in our friendship, or not wrong, but I don't know. i'm still working this out in my head. it's like it makes sense and I get it one second but then it jumps back and I am stuck again.

ah okay, I need to get up, get some food, get dressed, do work for Phil, then I have a phone call with him later. I also need to put clothes away. and then I have four people who I need to call. and I am still considering if I should tell my mom that I am thinking I am on birth control