i've been holding off this post as long as possible. it's my thousandth post. but i need to just write cause i'm kind of frustrated.

i'm frustrated at my jump position. it seems like to everyone else it just comes so naturally. they are able to get into their position and stay their wonderfully. and i really have to work and be thinking about it every second or else i look like crap. and it's obvious when i ride that i don't look good. my mom was making comments about it. and she wonders why i want her to delete every picture of me riding. cause i look like crap. and i can't jump. and it's not getting any better. no matter what anyone says, i know it isn't. and it's so freaking frustrating. i've been jumping just as long as maeve and longer than some of the other kids i ride with and yet i'm still not as good as them. it's stupid. it's a no brainer that i'll stop riding once i get into college. because i'm not good at it. end of story. i suck. no wonder no one comes to see me ride.

now i'm trying not to cry, i'm trying so hard that my jaw is all clenched up and it hurts. but i can't because i'm in the kitchen and maeve is right there and my mom is in the computer room.

i should talk about something good now since this is my 1,000th post. that's why every time i went to write a post I just didn't cause it was the 1,000th post and i wanted it to be good. but i've come to the conclusion that none of these posts are good so why try to make the 1,000th post any better.

i'm just in a horrid mood now. and i was in a better mood earlier today. but now i'm just gahh. thank goodness josh is texting me or else i would freak out. we talk all the time. legit. i don't know how we don't run out of things to say. i've talked to him almost nonstop for five months. the wonder of texting. well minus the whole china trip. i think it's the strangest thing how he's gone to my school since 8th grade and my best friend has dated his brother since 9th grade and i had never talked to him until like December and since then I haven't stopped talking to him. i don't get how it works.

anyways i was just telling him how this is my 1,000th post and now he wants to read it again so now i'm all self-conscious about what i'm writing. so i'll make a list of things to have to do.

- College essay
- Bentley supplement
- Activity description
- Put awards into common app
- Double check rest of common app
- Get my essay stuff together that is due tomorrow since i gave up on another draft
- Finish my spanish project for tuesday
- Practice saying my spanish project out loud since it has to be 10 minutes long

now i'm going to make a list of things i did this week and things i'm going to do next weekend

- Halloween committee meeting
- Went over Josh's house
- Riding lesson
- Corn maze
- Red Robin
- Watched Tangled
- Woke up at 5
- Horse show
- A week of school including shopping, riding babysitting, riding lesson, dressing up for halloween
- 4H Halloween party
- IEA horse show
- Horse judging practice
- One free day to do homework and maybe see my boyfriend

My life is crazy. I swear anytime I have a free day there's something out in the universe that says, uhhh nooo, Molly can not have free time, she must be doing something. So then I do something.

But I can't complain. I'm pretty sure I can find posts in this blog about how I did nothing and was so depressed. So I would rather be going to sleep at 10:30 every night after a day packed full of stuff. Eventually I might burn out but I'm still going strong. 5 am like yeah.

Now it's time for chinese dinner. I think that means the 1,000th post is over.

Just saying though that Josh and I found all the animals in the corn maze. Abby and Colin did not. My dad and Maura did not. Yeahhhhh. (:

i feel stupid.

i had a two hour nap today. i have take naps. i don't have time for naps. now i can't go to the barn. instead i'm writing an essay. then maybe if i have time working on a project due in a week that i haven't started. love school.

why me?

my family has really high expectations for everything, which makes us critical of everything, and makes us disappointment more often than not.

my stomach gives me away.

From "In The Time of Butterflies" by Julia Alvarez

"Thursday night, December 31
last day of this old sad year
I can write the saddest things tonight.
Here I am looking out at the stars, everything so sill so mysterious.
What does it all mean, anyway?
(I don't like this kind of thinking like Minerva likes. It makes my asthma worse.)
I want to know things I don't even know what they are.
But I could be happy without answers if I had someone to love.

And so it is of human life the goal
to seek, forever seek, the kindred soul.

I quoted that to Minerva before she left for Jarabacoa. But she got down our Gems of Spanish Poetry and quoted me another Poem by the same poet:

May the limitations of love not cas a spell
On the serious ambitions of my mind.

I couldn't believe the same man had written those two verses. But sure enough, there it was, José Martí, dates and all. Minerva showed me her poem was written later. "When he knew what mattered."
Maybe she's right, what does love come to anyway? Look at Papá and Mamá after so many years.
I can write the saddest things tonight."